I will just apologize now. I hate yoga pants. I hear they’re comfortable. So are biking shorts but people don’t wear those to my daughter’s dance recital.  So you think you have a nice ass and you want to share it with me?  Well you are also sharing your stinky butt when a good breeze flows by.  And don’t give me that I don’t poop bullshit because I grew up with a sister and I’ve dated a few girls.  Your butts are like ours. If you don’t bidet your butt right after you get down there and give your toilet the business; your butt stinks, trust me.  If you don’t believe me, ask your boyfriend.

 

When did yoga pants become okayed?  All they are is spandex with a different name but with the same result.  People who shouldn’t be wearing them do. Those people are and not limited to….everyone who wears yoga pants.  No one should wear these pants.  Sorry ladies but seeing the outline of where you poop from doesn’t do it for me.

 

The girls who are the most clueless about yoga pants are the ones who wear them so tight they go up their butt crack and I can see the imprint of their asshole. The pants that are so tight it looks like two mounds of mozzarella cheese in that tight plastic sitting beside an ant hill.  Yeah what I said is gross. So is your asshole. I don’t want to see it. Last week I clearly offended a self-proclaimed “too pretty for you-ugh” girl when I explained this to her. I also told her that the only thing that should be blowing me kisses when they walk away is my girlfriend.

 

Some of you are oddly mistaken that when some where, a long time ago; probably 10 years or so; someone told you that you had a shapely ass and that carries to present day.  Well honey a lot about your body has changed since then and probably that man’s opinion.  Yay! You’re a cougar with no shame. But, boooooo!  Nothing says I’m hiding wrinkled skin flaps like grandma trying to look sexy in yoga pants with matching hooker top and tan saggy stomach skin.

 

At no point in time should it look like your just robbed a bank and now have big bags of change in your pockets.  Remember when spandex could at least keep the cellulite in a nice cylinder looking tube?  No more.  Yoga pants make your fat chunks easily identifiable.  I get it. We’re in the age of, “let it all hang out, no one should be mean or judge you.”  Welp too fucking bad.  America is fat. If you don’t believe me then why do we have a million commercials on a day talking about us fatty’s or why is there a whole show dedicated to fat people losing weight? I’m fat. I’m doing something about it and it doesn’t require yoga pants.

 

When did these become office appropriate?  I can maybe see if you wear them under a skirt, but under just a long shirt that covers your butt or not at all?  So you look like you’re at a pajama party! Great! Just don’t do it in the office, unless of course your office where the naked dancing ladies are.  Hooker.

 

FYI ladies…we can see your gooch.  Yes! I said it.  I can tell if your basement is full of lips or looks like a coin slot from lack there of.  There’s nothing like walking the Stairmaster at the gym and not having to imagine what your stink box looks like.   You don’t want to know some dude’s position based on the strangle hold of his pants and I don’t want to see your camel toe because I hate toes.

 

Please be considerate. Puts some pants on. Blue Jeans.

 

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