â€œHere you are Ronald. So you want to be a famous comedian? Then why do you sit on the couch doing nothing? Watching Wipeout. Then following up with some night time cop drama thinking, â€œSure is easy to catch a criminal in 30 minutes.â€”
â€œBut you sit. Youâ€™re scared. Why?â€ I donâ€™t like to fail. I donâ€™t like to bomb.Â
â€œYou bomb. Everyone bombs on stage. Why should you care?â€
Probably because that crowd I bombed in front of gets together every Friday and goes, â€œRemember that faggot who got on stage five weeks ago and choked on his own motherâ€™s breast milk?Â Gosh he was terrible. It was like listening to a crowâ€™s shriek mixed with a cat scratching a chalk board all while being repeatedly pelted with stones from Davidâ€™s sling shot.Â He should hang himself. No we should hang him because heâ€™d probably suck at that too and just get rope burn.Â I love meeting with you guys. Talking about how terrible this one comedian was all that time ago. Iâ€™m glad we do this every Friday.Â We should do it twice a week instead of once.â€
Bombing is a lesson.Â Like a good friend of mine said, â€œHow are you going to know it works if you donâ€™t try it on stage? And who cares if you bomb. Itâ€™s an open mic.â€ Or something along those lines.Â
Then I think to myself while Iâ€™m home alone with my thoughts, while the opportunity of a life time passes me by everyday, â€œWhy are you here at home? You could be having fun at the open mic.â€ Well because itâ€™s hard to fail in front of a group of people. â€œSo what? Is it harder to fail in front of 30 people you donâ€™t know than in front of no one?â€
Itâ€™s interesting to think that no one will know that I failed at a dream or to take the opportunity to chase the dream if I stay home. I would know though.Â Thatâ€™s all that matters.Â I know. I get to live with it. You donâ€™t give a fuck whether I succeed or not.Â Well maybe you do because you donâ€™t want to hear shitty comedy every night. And besides, you have your own life. You are following your own dream.
If I was 16 again Iâ€™d say to myself. â€œShut up pussy. Get the fuck up. Go do something with your life. Yeah itâ€™s easy to keep a day job, but it sucks going. Maybe you should stay home and jerk off a few more times. Three in an hour isnâ€™t enough because youâ€™re so useless you need more self-gratification. Fuckin pussy. Go. GO. GO NOW. You used to play basketball for 6 hours a day because you were chasing a dream and you canâ€™t stand in front of people for 5 minutes and entertain them? Pooooooosssssssaaaaaayyyyyy. Quit crying. No one wants to hear it.â€
Â Quit sitting, stand up, Stand Up. The stage is only as empty as you make it.