Day 23 – Bathroom Breaks Anonymous

It has come to my attention that coffee is fucking amazing. It has come to my attention that the janitor at work is not. Every day at 10:00 the after effects of my coffee and the janitor’s time to clean the restroom dynamically sync up. I know it’s not his fault. He’s just doing his job. It’s usually the best time to go right after it’s cleaned; not where I work.

If you were to put a camera outside of the bathroom you would see probably somewhere in the vicinity of 30 guys seeing that the bathroom is shut down for maintenance, check up their step and turn around. When it’s back open for business watch-the-fuck-out! This is the office version of running of the bulls. If you happen to make it in the bathroom before anyone else you will get a seat. You don’t want that seat. Come back in like an hour.

I have bashful bowels syndrome (BBS). I can’t go with someone in the stall next to me. In this time period between let’s say 10:30-11:00 the bathroom will need re-cleaned. We have 3 stalls. I hate when someone decides when, only the middle stall is open, it’s okay to go in there. It’s not. There shouldn’t even be a toilet in there. Dudes will go in there even though the door works half-assed. The latch doesn’t lock. I’ve heard many of stories where guys walk in on other guys in that stall. Messy.

I realize that accidents happen but do what you must not to just kick the fuckin door open when people are in a stall. I’ve been in one before and a guy wouldn’t stop shaking the door until I said, “Yeah, I’m shittin. It’s not coming unlocked until I’m done.” In certain bathrooms you can view feet under a stall wall before you proceed to pick one. Some you have to look in a mirror and you can see the reflection. The only time you may pop your head down is if you know no one will see your face. Do this from a distance. You shouldn’t be making eye contact when you do this.

I’m not in college anymore. I don’t room with you. I don’t live with you and I really don’t care about you if we don’t hang out after work. So don’t talk to me while I’m in there. At no point in time should you know me just by the sight of my feet or grunts or both. When you say my name in the bathroom to try and start a conversation with me, “R-R-R Ron?” I am preparing to go covert monkey on you. I will pick up a log and throw it your way. I don’t care it’s mine. Leave me the fuck alone.

People think it’s amazing that a gaggle of women can sync up their monthly egg departure at the same time. That ain’t shit. Try working with some dudes and you all sync up on the same poop schedule. It’s awful. It’s as awful as it sounds and then some. Some of the guys you sit with aren’t your pals and you don’t want to hear their stories let alone bathroom antics. I believe that women used to sync up on the same schedule so they can all have babies at the same time and then the tribe and take care of all the babies, together, easier. That’s why they still do it today. There is no reason for men to fall into the same poop schedule. Why? So we can save water? I’d rather go dig a hole and be alone and then go finish my coffee.


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