Here’s how it goes; I send an interview e-mail they reply, I reply, they reply, pencils down.

One of the best in-your-face comedians in the game today. Derek Minto tells stories of his unpredictable drunken episodes that he un-calmly pieces together for you on stage in an exciting montage of colorful language and frizzy Amish/Jew hair. Derek is a guy who reminds you that no one pays for lawn furniture and anything goes on stage. He produces a weekly podcast that even a black man would say, “Don’t hate the player, hate the game son,” in his rocket powered chainsaw music themed, Haters for Hire, that he uses to chop inside of comedians then throw in a barrage of Q&A, sprinkled with interesting news.

I sent the e-mail and here’s what happened…

Ronald Renwick: Do you feel slighted by your parents for the name Derek?

Derek Minto: Fuck no! My mom was a bad ass bitch for naming me Derek. There were very few Dereks growing up so most people would remember my name. Also, do you know what Derek means? “Leader of Men”. It’s basically my mom’s way of hinting I would be the John Connor of the Future.

Renwick: If you are the leader of men I will only be drinking the Kool-Aid depending on the flavor.

Minto: Well assuming all of this is taking place in a post-apocalyptic future, the flavor would be Reprocessed Human Bio-Soy.

Renwick: Do you enjoy Post-it notes as much as I do?

Minto: As I am unware of your love of post-it notes up until this point, I would have to say no.

Renwick: Maybe you are unaware of the little things in life?

Minto: Well I generally try to avoid anything that will make me look fatter then I already am. So little things aren’t good for my body images. That’s why I all my friends are bouncers.

Renwick: Flipboard is my favorite iPhone app; would you ever punch a woman in the face?

Minto: Interesting, my favorite is the one with the boobs. If you would of asked me five years ago, I would of told you no. After being an adult in the real world I have meet plenty of women who have deserved to be decked in the face one way or another. Your sex does not determine your capacity to be a giant fucking asshole.

Renwick: I didn’t ask you about your masturbation habits. What are your masturbation habits?

Minto: With Gusto!

Renwick: We have both confessed our love to one another for baked goods. What’s you favie?

Minto: Mini-Pies. I will give no further explanation as there is not one needed.

Renwick: You appear intelligent is that correct?

Minto: Eh, I just more self-aware then anything. Three degrees from a private university has taught me that I am smart enough to recognize when I fail at something but that I am not smart enough to prevent being a colossal failure at almost everything.

Renwick: Please solve this problem. If x < 0, then (-x * |x|)^1/2 is?

Minto: WHOA MOTHERFUCKER YOU SAID THERE WOULD BE NO MATH ON THIS.

Renwick: What won’t you itch in public?

Minto: I usually avoid my balls as it’s never a good look to be itching your gentiles in public. Whenever I see someone doing the old meat and potato shuffle, I think that there must be something seriously wrong with their junk if they HAVE to scratch it in public. Everything else is fair game.

Renwick: Mmmm meat and potatoes. There’s nothing better than meat and potatoes than meat and?

Minto: Even more meat?

Renwick: I fucking hate.

Minto: Sweating. I KNOW RIGHT!? I honest to fuck hate sweating. Which is kinda funny because I don’t like to exercise because it makes me sweat. But if I started exercising more, I would sweat less.

Renwick: Sex is a candid exercise. You should try more of that.

Minto: Good call. I’ll Google that later 

Renwick: Who is the hottest chick on Friends?

Minto: Ross, Dinosaurs are hot

Renwick: Fuck you.

Minto: It’s not my fault Jurassic Park scared the fuck out of you when you were 18 years old. They aren’t coming back man. Get over it.

Renwick: You once grew a goatee that made you look like a grown man. Did it make you feel the same?

Minto: No actually, I grew a full one for the first time over the summer. I had tried to grow mustaches in the past but I found I just didn’t like it at all. It felt like it was trying too hard to look cool.

Renwick: Did it make you look rapey?

Minto: I think that’s the definition of trying to hard

Renwick: Have you showered today?

Minto: No, I never shower before answering personal emails at work. My job has a loose as fuck dress code. I wear flip flops and cut offs all the time.

Renwick: You do realize this e-mail will go global and stay impersonal and tarnish your “good boy” image.

Minto: My boss is using an invoice as a napkin. I’ll think I will be fine.

Renwick: Super market or eat out?

Minto: I like cooking so super market is best. Also, I have impressed many a lady with my cooking skills.

Renwick: Would you impress me?

Minto: Depends, I usually just make a box of instant mash potatoes and then sculpt them into a giant penis. The ladies usually get the message.

Renwick: Why am I asking so many god damn food questions.

Minto: Because you want to unlock the secret of being a giant fat asshole like me. It’s not nearly as cool as you would think.

Renwick: I’ve seen you sweat. You hardly stay cool.

Minto: Jazz cool

Renwick: Favorite comic strip?

Minto: Pearls before Swine. The comic creator regularly shows up as a character which is pretty amusing.

Renwick: Why the hell aren’t you in it? (I’m not calling you a swine. FYI)

Minto: I don’t know. I should be talking to my agent about booking me parts in comics i guess

Renwick: Hardest part about doing a podcast?

Minto: Keeping on top of creating episodes.

Renwick: In the realm of the unfuckables I am king. Who are you?

Minto: I am the mayor of one of your tiny villages, noonewantstofuckthisguyville.

Renwick: You owe me taxes.

Minto: Yah, and your never getting them either. I didn’t vote for you. 

THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER.

Well there you have it. A very clean cut man that will charm the pants off of any lady, by cooking her a mashed potato penis after he answers his personal e-mails and takes a shower. You can catch Derek hosting the Smiling Moose Open Mic on Tuesdays starting at 10:00ish and at Hambone’s starting at 9:00ish. Don’t forget to check out his podcast at www.hatersforhire.com or on iTunes.